At the back of the back of my head...

Life brings lots of wonderful surprises, and for me, most of them I didn't know already happened. Or perhaps I knew, but I didn't want to believe it. I've always wanted to be the type of person who can just embrace everything without conquering too much fear or anxiety. I do try, but who am I kidding... I still always think too much. And because of that, when the moment calls for face-to-face revelation, I'm always at a loss for words... Then I regret not saying the perfect words for such perfect moment. And what's worse, I HAD the perfect thoughts, but they just didn't come out right!

But is it wrong? I've been debating this over and over. Of course, past experiences have molded me into the person I am today. So every time I feel like something big is about to come my way, I want to be stronger, and more importantly, wiser in choosing which way to go. Having said that, I keep myself guarded even though it's already served right infront of me, on a shiny, glittering, almost blinding silver platter. It's like the feeling of "the back of the back of your head" - I told my friend about this once, and he said, "so it's the front of your head?" - haha, good point. But I would have to say, the back of another head. I try to act cool, but at the back of my head, I want to give it a shot, and further back, I'm dead-scared.

Now I ask myself, how can I enjoy life's wonderful surprises if I agonize too much? If I protect myself too much...

I have a list of top 10 things that make me happy. I think everyone should create one as it is very therapeutic (heck make it your top 100 or more). That despite life's so many issues, it can still bring you so much happiness. I think one of them happened just recently. Well, I'm not sure really... or am I holding back? I think it's the back of the back of my head. Maybe this time around, I need to switch their places...